Druski hands up meme

It’s time to stop smoking the devil’s broccoli and WAKE UP. We are already in the second seal of Revelation (fiery red horse of war), and quickly heading for the third (scarcity on earth).
The first scroll was unsealed March 13 2020, and ended on March 13 2022.
First Seal: The Conqueror
The second seal (fiery red horse of war) was also undone, and the beast (Vladimir Putin) was unleashed. This is World War 3, and it will come to American soil.
Second Seal: Conflict on Earth
We are now rapidly approaching the third seal. In our world this means massive hyper-inflation and famine.
Third Seal: Scarcity on Earth
The fourth seal is a combination of the first three’s affects, and more… It includes, (but is not limited to) WW3, famine, and plague. The fourth seal is widespread death on earth.
Fourth Seal: Widespread Death on Earth & Fifth Seal: The Cry of the Martyrs
The dollar will be replaced with CBDC, and AI will provide oversight. This is how the beast will (eventually) cause people to take his mark.
AI’s Role in CBDC – Revelation 13:16-17
Those who take the mark will beg to die because of tribulations, and death will elude them thanks to the TRANSHUMANIST AGENDA! Immortality is attainable by 2030: Google scientist
The Role of AI in CBDC
Occultists like John Darby and Tim LaHaye have deceived millions by taking a few verses out of context, and ignoring some others. The rapture is part of the great deception, and it has put the church to sleep.
Rapture Doctrine Came From the Occult
The Great Deception Exposed
The Logic of Atonement
REPENT, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.

Spoilers for obtaining one of the shrines.
I just need to air my grievances about the one part I HATED in possibly my favourite game of all time. To set the scene: it's the evening before a work day, I'm vibing to this awesome game, I'm about 160 hours in and finally ready to knock out my last few shrines so I decide to try to speedrun them out to get the reward. I've spent days filling out the depths so I can compare locations and can finally track all the surface shrines down. After doing all of them I realize there's still one left and it must be in the sky. I check via hero's path and I've been on every sky Island I can see. I look up a map of the sky and see two shrines in a grey blob on the map, and I've only found one. So, I go to the one, get on a zonai flying device, and blast off into the worst, most sadistic part of the game.
My major issue with this section is that it's a three dimensional puzzle that you need to do entirely blind. You can't see much further than a few steps ahead of yourself through the intense fog, lightning, and heavy rain, and there's nothing you can do to mitigate it. To compare to other "blind" areas like the depths or the gerudo valley sandstorm, there are contextual clues that help you find things in those areas. In the depths, there's gloom on surfaces that can help you perceive depth (ledges, cliff faces, pits), you can see the lightroots from very far away, glow potions/clothing work, you can use brightbloom seeds to light your path, and there's a faint outline of the environment you can see, so even if I had no glow buffs, I could still navigate by watching the edges of the roots I was climbing on. In the desert, the space is more "two dimensional" than the others; you just need to travel on a single plane, you can still see shrines in the distance, and if they're on a cliff it's still easy enough to navigate to and then you just climb to it from ground level when you're there. You can even use the various wind currents or tall structures to get your map back for a moment, get your bearings, and glide over everything.
The combination of things that are lacking in the Thunderhead Isles makes it a truly miserable experience:

• The most obvious is that you can't see. Even with my feet firmly planted on an island, it's hard and kind of scary to walk around because my vision is so narrow that I can't even see ledges. I could easily just walk off a ledge and lose my place altogether because I can't even see where the ledges are. Don't even bother considering seeing where your next sky Island (your "objective") is. For this reason I was constantly lifting and re-placing a travel medallion, but even having that medallion didn't make it any less frustrating.
  
• It's perpetually raining, so if you walk off a ledge and save yourself by grabbing the wall, you could still easily slip and fall off if you don't have the full froggy gear, slip resistant potions, or stamina meals.
  
• You don't have a map to mitigate the lack of sight. The map is just a grey blob. Still nothing to tell me if my place contextually or relative to the beeping on my shrine sensor. Also the shrine sensor made me MORE frustrated in this bit because it was perpetually either above me or below me but how the eff was I supposed to perceive the entrance to the shrine that was hidden behind a wall? I was pretty angry that I couldn't even use the blue/green glow as a reference, but honestly when I did eventually get to it I still couldn't even see the shrine until I was practically tripping over it. Unreal.
  
• There are puzzles to get from Island to Island, but the lack of contextual clues around you make the puzzle solving redundant because you have no way of connecting why you're doing what you're doing or what the next goal is. Sure I can put a board on a rail and hope it takes me somewhere, but I can't see anything to tell me what's next or whether I'm, you know, supposed to interact with things while I'm riding it.
  
• Even with guides, this island was a bust. After running around, falling off, teleporting back, and ripping my hair out for two hours, I looked up a few guides, I got coordinates, I carefully checked positions on the (greyed out) map, and I tried to locate islands with "landmarks" (lol, landmarks in an area where you can't even see your hands in front of your face), but even with all this, even having a guide telling me which Island I needed to be beneath and what ability I needed to use to get to the location of the shrine, because navigation is so brutal it still took me way too long to find it. I ended up giving up, going to bed, and trying again when I got up.
  

I finally got there, but for the love of God there is no reward on this island worth what you need to go through to get it. I have been LOVING TotK, but this is the ONE area in the game where I sat back and went "wow... This is the most shit game design I've ever fucking seen". My first experiences with this game will forever be tainted by this shrine. And yes. The shrines aren't mandatory. By now I have a ton of hearts, full stamina, and great armor. I'm stacked. But as a completionist, this one shrine left a very awful taste in my mouth.

Title is pretty self explanatory. I (22F) have been with my ex (23M) for 2 years. When we first met it was like we were never strangers. We both connected in a way we had never connected with anyone else. We both fell hard and fast. I made him wait 6 months to ask me out because i had just gotten out of a two and half year relationship a month before i met him. I was scared to be with him at first, but i couldn’t stop myself from falling in love with him.
Our relationship was close to perfect. We never fought. If we did have a disagreement we had a healthy discussion about it. It was the first healthy relationship i ever had. We had pretty similar childhoods, we never had anyone who was able to understand that. I’m usually the kind of person that can only hang out with someone for a day or two, but that didn’t apply to him. We loved hanging out with each other. He always wanted to be around me and i always wanted to be around him. I have over 10 handwritten love letters from him.
I’m august 2022, i got back from a weeklong trip and we were insperable. He wanted to be around me constantly, and i wanted to be around him. We started a habit of hanging out at least 5 days a week. It never seemed like a problem. We never got annoyed with each other and we loved just being in each others presence even if we were interacting with each other.
In January, i noticed he started to withdrawal a bit. He seemed careless, stressed with everything he had going on, he didn’t want to have sex ever, and he stopped giving me affection and saying nice things to me. During this time i also let him put $900 worth of court fees on my credit card so he wouldn’t have to pay it outright. He continues to withdrawal throughout February and i was losing my patience with him.
In March he breaks up with me for the first time. He says it’s his mental health and he’s too stressed and he can’t give me what i want and he’s not the same person i met in 2021. It sounded like self loathing and hatred so i fought for him. We got back together a day later. 2 weeks later i randomly go through his phone and see a bunch of girls on his Snapchat. I flipped out and broke up with him again. I messaged all the girls except 1, they all said he just hit them up once and never again after that. We were broken up for 3 weeks at this point. Around the end of March he started texting me again saying he missed me and wanted to make things work. He said he texted those girls for validation cause he was feeling insecure. I believed him and forgave him.
We got back together for the entire month of April. I thought things were going good in the first two weeks. Then on the 3rd week he gets a phone call from another girl at 1am. He swore they just talked when we were broken up and he told her to not contact him again and blocked me in front of me. It made me nervous but i didn’t think it was that serious. I i only saw him twice after that cause he started pulling away again. He said he felt like i was never going to trust him and things are better this way. We broke it off again at the beginning of may
I blocked him on everything but about two weeks ago i broke and i texted him. He called me and told me all the right things and that he’s sorry and he misses me and we got back together again. Things were going really well. I told him my boundaries with other girls and he agreed. Yesterday morning i randomly decided to go through his phone. I just wanted to confirm he was acting right. Everything looked good but i found a girls contact open in the contact app. We had a discussion about this and he said he needs space and time to think. I left and decided to text the girl on my phone.
Long story short, this girl tells me they were talking all the way from November until the end of March. When i was passed out drunk in his bed ok New Year’s Eve, he had a 2 hour phone call with her. She showed me the text messages on Valentine’s Day and he was telling her she looked so sexy at work and he couldn’t keep his hands off her. He was sexting her the night i had a car follow me into my neighborhood and i was scared to be home alone. He didn’t invite me over and he didn’t care that i was scared. The day after he sexted her was the first time we broke up. A week later he bluffed on our plans to hangout twice in two days because he was texting her instead. He had sex with her two days after we broke up for the second time. He was texting her saying he can’t control himself around her.
I’m so lost and confused. I feel unlovable. I feel like i chased him away. I’m so angry. I kept fighting for our relationship the past 3 months because i thought he was just having mental health issues. I wanted to show him he had someone there for him who would love him no matter what. I helped him out so much. I thought he was so different and not like other guys. I would have never suspected him of cheating on me on this way. I don’t understand why he couldn’t tell me from the first breakup there was someone else. I wouldn’t have fought for him like that if i knew the truth. I’ve begged him for the truth so many times and he just keeps lying to me. I knew deep down inside from his behavior this had something to do with other girls, but he kept lying and telling me it’s his mental health. I feel so fucking stupid. I feel like none of our relationship was real. I don’t know what the fuck just happened. I’m so angry that all the times i begged him for affection, he couldn’t give it to me because he was giving it to her. I hate myself so much.
TL:dr man who i thought was my soulmate emotionally cheats on me for 4 months before we even broke up

https://www.amazon.com/Greenfather-Novel-Marshall-John-ebook/dp/B01N1XHLS5/
Simon, New York’s top organic grocery store owner has a secret: his dad is the head of one of New York’s biggest mob families. When his dad dies, Simon agrees to head the Family, provided that instead of murder, numbers and other rackets, the mob uses its muscle to enforce green regulations and promote healthy eating habits. At first the mob’s hit men and extortionists resent being pressed into green service, but they soon become Simon’s biggest supporters. Seemingly overnight, the city becomes literally cleaned up. Simon, who had planned on succeeding his dad temporarily, now finds he likes his new position as the head of the Family. However, the green world doesn’t accept him because he’s running a crime family, and the crime world doesn’t trust him because he’s run afoul of the Feds. Simon takes his wife, Marla, to his ancestral homeland in Italy, for a much-needed sabbatical – and gets even further into trouble.
Loosely based on Mario Puzo's runaway hit The Godfather, THE GREENFATHER showcases Marshall’s comic dialogue, honed year after year in late night television, in the grand tradition of classic mob comedy, like Analyze This and Analyze That. Packed with larger than life goons, right-hand men, Feds and green fanatics, THE GREENFATHER satirizes the environmental movement, crime, families, and crime families.
THE GREENFATHER is sharp, hilarious, and takes no prisoners, except the ones who are supposed to go there. It goes well with a light salad of radicchio and cherry plum tomatoes.

So I (25f) just moved into my boyfriend’s (31m) apartment in January and brought my switch over bc we are both Zelda fanatics and he wanted to play BOTW which I was cool with because it was my all time favorite game, and I love watching game play just as much as actually playing. All was good… until… they released TOTK.
He works during the day and I’m a streamer so I work at night, but I’m spending my days running our errands so I don’t have much time to play during the day.
But man when I tell you…. TOTK absolutely SHITS on BOTW. In the beginning I was only letting myself play for 2 hours before he got home from work then I would cook dinner.
That slowly crept into me playing more after he went to bed. Then i started playing after dinner while he was watching tv, i would bring the console out on the porch so we could still spend physical time together. Then it crept into me playing on the tv in a different room completely neglecting him. When I tell you, there is absolutely NO sense of time when playing this game. It just basically doesn’t exist. I feel like I’m on it 45 minutes then boom - it’s 5 am. I basically am getting in bed when he’s getting up to go to work. I just downloaded it last week and I’ve already logged 50 freaking HOURS!
This happened three nights in a row, and it’s starting to be a problem obviously… but last night was the last straw. As he was going to bed he told me it was time to get off and I should go to bed, he tried to physically grab my controller and I YANKED IT OUT OF HIS HAND LIKE A CRACKHEAD. It’s getting so bad I’m also not streaming hardly at all and I’ve been canceling all of my plans with friends, family, etc.
I kept playing that night until 1 am when my TV started tilting off the mount. I’ll try and paint a picture here, but there’s like a big glass tv stand under the Tv that’s also mounted to the wall that’s a fire place and holds our consoles.
Anyways, I’m pretty short so I had to put my knee up on it to tilt the TV back and the whole glass stand fell off the wall and SHATTERED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!! ALL BC I COULDNT GET OFF THE GAME.
Obviously he heard this loud ass bang and came out and just laughed at me (like when you’re so angry you just laugh instead of scream) and told me to leave (I have a 2nd apartment in the same building where I do my streaming) so I went down there and was freaking out.
So what do I do? It’s 2 am, I refuse to leave that mess just sitting there for me to wake up and see and be reminded of my severe TOTK addiction. So naturally, I call my usual handyman and shockingly he answers!!! It’s 2 am! He said he can be there in 30 minutes.
I meet him in the parking garage and he brought this huge truck with a trailer of tools hitched up and it was a nightmare getting him to park!!! Finally we get up to the sh*tshow of destruction apartment and… boom.. he locked me out…
So I have to start banging on the door waking this poor man up AGAIN and he answers the door NAKED AND SEES ME STANDING THERE WITH A RANDOM GUY AND A TOOL BOX AT 3 am!!!!!!
He just looks at me shakes his head let’s us in and goes to bed. I tell handyman we gotta be quick and quiet but this has to fixed asap. he started to fix it but begins DRILLING IT INTO THE WALL WHICH IS THE WALL CONNECTED TO THE BED ROOM (what a nightmare)
Obviously bf is beyond pissed. Whatever, tv stand fireplace thing is fixed. But guess what I decide to do? Take my switch and KEEP PLAYING IN THE CLOSET. I black out at some point, probably around 5 am,with no recollection of anything after I got in the closet, sprawled out on the carpet floor, controller STILL IN MY HAND and a side of ranch and a quesadilla in the other. I crawl into our bed and woke up at around 10:30 am.
I start looking for my switch. I look in the closet, the bedroom, the living room, ….. it’s no where.
I go down to our second apartment where my boyfriend is working, we both use it for work, thinking maybe I brought it down there? Nope.
I sit down look him in the eyes and go “where’s the switch”he just smiles…. And says “you know where it is :)”
Then it dawned on me. “You put it in your f*cking safe didnt you”
“Yup :)”
I LOSE MY MINDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.
Like I know I was getting realllly addicted, but I’m mostly pissed bc ATLEAST LET ME BEAT THE GAME AND I PROMISE ILL NEVER PLAY IT AGAIN. The thing about these Zelda games is is that they’re really never over lol. When will I be getting back you ask? We may never know…
I know it’s probably for my own good and the good of our relationship, but I’m so pissed right now I can’t hardly speak to him I wanna cry and scream and I feel like I’m going through withdrawals. I love him but I also want to unalive him and myself.
If you care about anything good in this world, don’t download TOTK because you WILL care about Hyrule more.
TLDR: severe Zelda addiction making me broke financially, romantically, and physically (broke our tv console stand). Bf locked it in his safe and now I’m grieving and depressed. play at your own risk….

I've read tens of chinese novels, english novels and books, read endless manga, anime and even philosophical books of human philosophers and even religious scriptures
Yet Nothing, nada, nothing reaches the ankle of Reverend insanity.
This Novel is not a book, its a Sacred scripture, no joke.
Whenever I read any story or philosophical enquiry, I always have to brace for disappointment, I've had this with how much? 9 or 10 chinese novels, with shitty endings or deteriorating middle way, tens of english novels and books who started well but I am always left disappointed
Its like I am reading books written by stupid people or people who never put their Being into their work
That was until I put my hand on the Absolute Masterpiece called : Reverend insanity.
This Novel is the Mona lisa of novels.
Everything in this novel is Perfect. Period.
It encapsulates everything, it takes the entirety of Human myths, philosophical thoughts, the deepest questions of existence and sculptes it into a perfect sculpture, a perfect representation of the deepest human desires of transcendence
the same way a master sculptor can take a normal rock and turn it into a Masterpiece that moves your very soul
Reverend insanity moved my soul, it didnt just move me, it changed me completely
It overturned my world, it changed my perspective on human existence, on how the world came into being, it made me into a philosopher asking the deepest questions possible to a human mind and striving to answer the deepest mysteries of existence
It woke me up from Ordinary abyss in which human beings live in
This Story is simply the Pinnacle of human achievement.
Its insanely deep that most ordinary readers will probably never be able to dig deep enough to appreciate the Immense wisdom this novel offers or are too stupid to notice the subtleties and understand the underlying meaning nor think about the Philosophy of human existence
Just the Poems alone are Supreme, superb, a work of perfection.
“Infinite brilliance in the mortal realm, to the ends of the world the skies and seas stretch beyond. As the winds blow my ashes back to the earth, it is incomparable to the shining moon in the reflection of the water!” Bai Ning Bing recited a poem with a faint smile
"Forever been the Dao-seeking crazed demon Looking up towards life, death and the universe Through a million years of accumation On this day, Limitless achieves True Eternal life"
"In my youth, I shined in the light of spring, horses trampled on flowers as fragrance of wine spread, love and hatred came with the waves, summer cicadas sing as I wake up in the middle of the night. Planting red lotuses in the river of time, going back until my tears run dry. Through the vicissitudes of life, I return to this stage, the myriad being anticipate a life unbound by Fate!"
Just look at these poems, how can one not be moved, I remember reading this with swaying willows and just being in awe of the beauty of these poem
And this is just talking about side characters
I still have not started talking about Fang yuan
Fang yuan is just...
I kneel
I give up
Fang yuan cannot be described.
Fang yuan is the Spirit of Humanity.
Fang yuan is the fire that burns everything.
The Absolute struggle, the blood, the tears, the catastrophies that keep befalling him endlessly
Yet Fang yuan never gives up, not a single doubt crosses his mind, this guy is the Pinnacle of what a human being can become
He transcends everything
the Entire expanse of wordly sufferings causes no ripple in him
The Entire expanse of wordly pleasure do not tempt him
The Entire expanse of worldly fear causes no ripple in him
Even if the Entire world rallied against him
Fang yuan would remain indifferent, untouched, unmoved, undisturbed
Fang yuan transcends life and death and humanity itself
Fang yuan is the Absolute Existence to which everything strives to become
Just how many trials and catastrophies have befallen him, how many times has he faced Absolute Despair?
impossible to count, the amount of despair and catastrophies that have shaped Fang yuan to be who he is are simply impossible for a human being to bear
To have the Supreme courage to give up on Everything and Pursue the One True Goal thats worth it : Eternal Life
To go against Fate, the Entire World and have no mercy
To be Ruthless against everyone and especially to Himself
How much suffering has Fang yuan gone through in his first 500 years of life to become what he is, simply unimaginable
Fang yuan is simply the most inspiring existence ever
Fang yuan is the manifestation of Supremacy, if there was a True God, he would be like Fang yuan
His poems are breath of fresh air, a manifestion of Perfection
His Poems encapsulate so much Wisdom, so much Intelligence, that it put you in awe
I am moved beyond words
Just the Legends of Renzu contains so much wisdom and insights into Human Existence and the human condition
This Novel is simply the manifestation of Absolute Perfection.

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Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill. - The Daywalker, Third Vampire War, Age of Paranoia
Whatever I lost, I lost a long time ago. - Barbara, Third Zombie War, Age of Paranoia
This is the dumbest shit we've ever done. - Everyone everywhere.
The dumbest shit so far. - The smartass next to them.
"Captain," Chuck's voice was quiet, barely audible to her ear. "Don't react, just lay there."
Nakteti held still, able to tell by the slight tingling that Chuck was using her mastoid implant to talk to her over a secure channel.
She brought up the visual keyboard and rapidly typed out on her retinal link. "Sit-rep."
"Our four guests are talking. They think with Magnus and Surscee out in the park picking apples and you asleep, that the simple act of moving away from the computers will keep me from listening in," Chuck said.
"Patch me in," Nakteti typed.
There was a slight sound of static.
"...we knew this was a one-way trip when we left Darkside," the Rose Knight was saying.
"Well, duh, the Mantid glassed Earth and the colonies. We knew that," Sword Knight One said. Nakteti could see his face, that he was chewing on something.
"The mission objectives are still unchanged. Get the SUDS back online or figure out a way to start repairs," the Rose Knight said.
"Which we are doing," the Tome Knight stated, her voice cold and remote. Nakteti noted that her face was deliberately held expressionless, but her chin was slightly tilted up, and she was looking at the internal camera of her helmet down the length of her nose. "Without the help of the alien, that AI, and those twins, we would still be stuck with our equipment malfunctioning and leaving us stuck at the center of a layered time distortion."
"Do you really trust her? Trust their story? That it's been nine thousand years since the Glassing. That there was something called the Digital Omnimessiah and the Twelve Biological Apostles?" the Rose Knight asked, a slight sneer in his voice. "That just curiosity and luck led her here?"
"Then what, she's a Mantid slave race spy? Come here to... I don't know, repair the SUDS so we get back our manpower edge?" the Tome Knight asked. This time she was the one sneering. "The stupid bullshit of reducing military manpower to bare minimum with the excuse of 'oh, we can just pull them from the SUDS and force-growth clones for them, that way their cybernetics are modern and they can be put in the SUDS at the height of their skills instead of suffering skill degradation' came back to bite us on the ass."
"Armistice agreements mandated everyone have only a quarter-million troops, outside of the United Nations of Sol," the Rose Knight said. "It kept the peace."
"Yeah, that and vegetation that would eat you if you sat in one place for too long," Sword Knight Two snorted. He chewed on something for a moment, swallowed, the continued, "Face it, we're on the edge of extinction. If the Mantid don't get us, the plants will."
"Theoretically, glassing Earth would take care of the Extinction Agenda attack," the Tome Knight said.
"We're getting side-tracked," Sword Knight Two said. "That dude, Magnus,"
"Gods above, he's fucking annoying," Sword Knight One said, chewing at the end of his sentence.
"If I hear his sister bitch about not having any fruit to eat one more time, I swear, I'm going to go completely ape shit," Sword Knight Two added. "Anyway, that dude, Magnus, he said that the next temporal dissonance layer is about to be peeled off. That leaves two more layers."
"And there's the problem. Once they peel off the last layer, they'll have full access to the SUDS facility," the Rose Knight said. "Which is in direct conflict to our mission orders to secure possession of the SUDS facility."
"Except our orders are nine thousand years out of date," the Tome Knight said. "The Combine is gone, replaced by the Imperium. I read that part. I know the guy who founded the Imperium, well, I served under him. He's some United Nations of Sol representative's son and a complete douche."
"And the Imperium was replaced by the Confederacy," Sword Knight Two said, swallowing whatever he was chewing on.
"Yeah, five thousand years after the Imperium got its skull kicked in by someone with the goofy ass name of Daxin Freeborn," Sword Knight One said. "Sounds like some hab block ganger bullshit name to me."
"And 'Martial Orders'? Like the Templars? For who? Christianity? Islam? Hinduism? Scientology?" Sword Knight Two sneered. "The whole thing sounds like bullshit to me."
"But the evidence is clear," The Tome Knight broke in.
"What evidence? A file on a computer? I can write you one that states those stupid characters from the Gorilla Girls tri-vee show took over the universe and we all have to wear gorilla costumes now," the Rose Knight said.
The Tome Knight made a disgusted noise. "The tech, dumbass."
"Watch your words and tone with me," the Rose Knight snapped.
"The technology," the Tome Knight said.
"Better."
"Our armor has the best in minaturization tech, and we've only got a nine q-bit system. That Surscee woman has a computer embedded in her forearm that's running at least ten-twenty-four q-bits. A computer only a little bigger than a piece of gum," the Tome Knight stated. "Those temporal charges are light years ahead of anything we have."
"Mantid technology?" Sword Knight One guessed.
"If the Mantid are that advanced, we've already lost the war," the Tome Knight said. She lifted her chin again. "We must take into account the fact that nine thousand years have passed since we entered the mat-trans at the Darkside Facility to get here," she stated coldly. "The team waiting for us to return is long dead."
"Maybe we can go back and help them?" Sword Knight One asked. He frowned, then broke into a big smile.
"No. They'll have their hands full re-activating the facility from the damage from when half the staff went crazy," the Tome Knight said. She shook her head. "Losing the engineering and scientific staff means the facility is little more than a habitat orbiting an anomaly."
"We can't just leave them. We need to do something," Sword Knight Two said.
"They're dead. You can't go back in time. You'll hit the energy limit or get the worst possible outcome, or you'll spaghetti," the Tome Knight said. "I've told you that before. I stated it during the mission briefing."
"We all knew this might be a one way trip," the Rose Knight repeated. There was silence for a moment. "I'll consider what each of you have stated and decide if the mission parameters should be adjusted," he paused. "Get some sleep."
"Not tired," Sword Knight Two said.
"Don't wanna," Sword Knight One said.
"I have research I must continue," the Tome Knight said.
"Doesn't matter. We don't have to worry about an ambush. Set reflex triggers," the Rose Knight said.
One by one they confirmed they'd set their reflex triggers.
"Nunc me dormiam," the Rose Knight said, his voice accompanied by a quick series of tones.
Nakteti watched as all of their eyes closed and they moved almost immediately into REM sleep.
"Mnemonic triggers," Chuck said. "I got the tones. In case it requires the Knight of the Black Rose's voice, I've got a high fidelty multi-tonal recording."
"Good," Nakteti said. "I don't want to kill them if I don't have to."
"And if they force it?" Chuck asked.
"Then I'll kill them."
-----
Nakteti spooled out the superconductor cable carefully, moving between one temporal disruptostabilizer and the other. She stopped, plugged it into the repeater, then ran another cable.
She was going over the discussion again in her head.
The four had still never taken off their armor, and Nakteti kept chewing over that fact, over and over.
She looked around, realized she was the only living thing for a couple thousand miles, and touched her implant.
"Chuck, do you read?" she asked.
"I read you, Captain," Chuck said. "Line is secure."
"Good," she said. "Do we have any visuals on who is inside that armor and what they look like?"
"Internal helmet cam," Chuck said.
"Anything besides that?" Nakteti asked.
"No. It's live feed," Chuck said.
"Is it?" Nakteti asked. "Seriously. Is it? Could it be computer overlay?"
"You mean, they're using digital avatars?" Chuck said.
"It's just something about the feed. Something about them that I keep chewing over," Nakteti said. "Can Surscee get a better read on them?"
"No. Their armor is sealed. It's a closed system with memory metal joints," Chuck said. "Internal power systems. The only thing that armor gives off is their suit telemetry, communications, radiation, and visual light reflection."
Nakteti sat down on a bench, pulling out her water flask and taking a long drink.
"Something's not right. We've been doing this for months, maybe a year or more, it's hard to tell with the temporal disruptions," Nakteti said. "We know virtually nothing about them. If anything, they'll withdrawing more and more."
She took another drink and put away the flask. "See if you can hack their armor systems further, but be subtle."
"The only input their systems allow is that one single encrypted channel, and then only compressed bursts," Chuck said. "They aren't even using a frequency agile system."
Chuck made a slight static noise. "You're right. That is odd. We don't really have any schematics for Combine Era power armor in our database, but the fact it's completely sealed is weird."
Nakteti thought for a long moment. "You record their conversations, right?"
"I record all of it. The one thing I've managed to do is break their telemetry feed," Chuck said. "Let me look at the feed better."
"Show me that last conversation, only give me an hour or so before that, just visual, on fast forward," Nakteti said.
"What are you looking for?" Chuck asked.
"I don't know," Nakteti admitted.
She watched it through twice.
Something about it was bugging her.
She reached in her pocket and pulled out a Goody Yum-Yum Bar, unwrapping it and chewing on it while she watched it through a third time.
She was halfway through the fourth watch when it dawned on her.
They were chewing on nothing. She never saw them put anything in their mouths. They never had food in their mouths when they talked.
"Chuck?" she asked.
"Here, Captain," the DS answered.
"I need you to run a fast forward. Check to see if you ever see them take a pull of nutripaste or water. Especially around the time they start chewing," she said.
"Checking," Chuck said.
Nakteti finished off her Goody Yum-Yum bar before Chuck got back to her.
"I've checked all the telemetry, and no, they never take a drink of water or any nutripaste nor do they ever appear to have something in their mouths when they talk," Chuck paused. "It points at your idea that what we're seeing is being generated by their suit computers."
"See what you can do about getting me a look at them," Nakteti said.
"I'll be careful," Chuck promised.
Nakteti looked up at where the 'sun' was frozen in the magnetic guidance tube. It had several others just off of it, making it look like a cluster of three stars.
There's something going on, and I don't like it, she thought.
-----
"Anything?" Nakteti asked.
"No. It's really weird. I should be able to cut through archaic code like a hot knife through butter, but it's more than just the code. There's weird hardware safety interlocks. Everything is extremely partitioned, more than even Atrekna War combat armor," Chuck said. "One thing I did get, is that the armors definitely have chronotron leakage. Not much, but enough to tell me that they're using chronotron for something inside the suit."
"Stabilization? Like Confederate armor during the Atrekna war?" Nakteti asked.
Chuck just shrugged. "I'm not sure. You're right, there's something hinky about them. After you noticed that they don't eat I took a better look. There's something weird with their telemetry."
"Like what?" Nakteti asked.
"Like, according to their brain waves, right now, the two Sword Knights are asleep. High activity REM sleep," Chuck said. "Yet, they're out there helping Magnus lay down the last of the control cabling."
"That is strange," Nakteti said. She sighed. "I wish I knew more about Terran combat systems."
"Same here," Chuck said. He looked up suddenly as Nakteti heard the door swoosh open behind her. "Captain!"
She was already lunging forward, landing on her catching hands, using her feet and gripping hands to push herself into a roll that took her behind an unpowered console.
"You might as well come out, xeno," the Rose Knight said. "You brought a sword to a blaze rifle fight."
"Do not do this. We are allies," Chuck tried.
"Silence, AI," the Rose Knight said. "You are an amalgamation of circuits and code, I am a flesh and blood being, touched by the creator himself. You have no right to speak to me, much less attempt to command me."
Nakteti used the time the Rose Knight was monologuing to draw her sword as well as to reach down and activate her personal protective field. She sent off a quick set of emojis to let Surscee and Magnus know they were about to be attacked by the Chronotronic Knights.
"I am blessed by the Digital Omnimessiah," Chuck started to say.
"BLASPHEME!" the Rose Knight shouted.
Nakteti winced at the blaze rifle fired. It made a high pitched screaming sound as the gold/white beam of energy lanced out, bisecting Chuck.
"Please," Chuck said. "As if."
Nakteti pulled a device out of her pouch and slid it across the floor, behind another console. It winked on and Chuck was crouched down behind the console, a blaster pistol in his hand. He looked at Nakteti and nodded.
"Don't make me kill you, Rose Knight," Nakteti said.
"SILENCE, XENO!" the Rose Knight screamed partway through Nakteti's plea.
Nakteti could smell it suddenly. Ozone, scorched copper, rusted iron.
Wrath.
She looked at Chuck and mouthed "Enraged" at him.
Chuck gave an 'of course' slump to his head and shoulders, shaking his head at the same time.
"Come out. You're only prolonging the inevitable," the Rose Knight said. "Your friends are dead or will be soon. They are armed with only swords and are not even wearing armor."
"Take off a limb or two, take them alive," Nakteti ordered over her retinal link.
The Rose Knight was ranting about xenos, Earth, the Mantid.
Magnus and Surscee both flashed emojis back, Chuck just nodded.
"Ready?" Nakteti asked Chuck over the retinal link.
Chuck nodded.
Nakteti ended up curling up as the Rose Knight started screaming and shooting the walls, the ceiling, random computers.
"I WANT MY MOMMY!" he screamed, his voice crackling with distortion. "MOMMY! DADDY! WHERE ARE YOU?" The sound of the rifle being used to smash things was loud in the sudden silence.
Nakteti blinked and looked at Chuck, who shrugged and mouthed "enraged".
The Rose Knight stopped screaming and Chuck stood up, leveling the blaster pistol.
The Rose Knight was punching and kicking chairs, consoles, computer equipment.
Aiming, the hard-light manifested Chuck fired, hitting the Rose Knight in the knee.
Nakteti rolled out from behind the console, running on four limbs, using her legs and catching hands, holding her sword tight with her gripping hands.
The Rose Knight screamed, his words incoherent.
The Rose Knight's lower leg blew off in a shower of sparks and fluids. The armored Terran went down on one knee, still screaming.
Nakteti came in, standing up, hacking one, twice with the nanite sharpened blade.
The limbs came off in a shower of sparks, showering Nakteti with hydraulic fluids.
Nakteti ignored it.
She'd been splattered with worse.
Chuck stepped up and kicked the Rose Knight onto his back, putting on foot on the armored man's chest.
"I want my mommy," the Rose Knight said.
Nakteti realized that he was weeping.
She held out her hand. "Why? Why did you attack us?"
"Mission. The mission," the Rose Knight said. He started crying again. "I want my mommy."
"That panel. Open it," Chuck said, pointing at a seemless patch on the armor. "Just press against it and let go."
Nakteti did so. The panel slid open, revealing an induction port. Nakteti held up her finger where she had an implanted induction link. Chuck nodded.
Nakteti pressed her finger against the induction jack.
"Let's get a look at you," Chuck said.
"No. You're not supposed to. Don't," the Rose Knight wept. "Mommy."
"Digital Omnimessiah preserve us," Chuck whispered, his eyes going wide with horror. He looked down.
"Have mercy upon us for what we have done," Chuck said.
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I'm posting this because i feel like spilling my heart out, and obviously any advice recommendations would be nice. Me and him are both 18, we live in a homophobic country so coming out basically is not an option. I am a closeted straight passing dude so i dont really have to worry about dealing with homophobia directed at me.
We became friends about a year ago. We were both kind of new to town as we had just enrolled in uni (we go to different universities). We got to know each other through common friends. We got super close in no time, would go out all the time together, or stay at each others house, sleepover etc, or we would hangout with our friend group. I kind of liked him from the start but i was used to liking straight dudes so i was a bit humble and usually did not expect much. He is generally a very intimate guy whether verbally or physically. When we are alone, he holds my hand and interlocks fingers, we usually cuddle in sleepovers and he spoons me or he likes to keep me in his arms or the opposite. All of this also came with the dose of straight-guy gay joking, like grabbing my ass every 5 mins, swiping his hands through my crotch a bit too often, he would usually jokingly say "do you wanna suck my dick".
I eventually came out to him and told him that i like him, because we were really close and even though i had never come out to someone in real life before, i felt like i should tell him before it becomes too late and i look bad for not saying anything despite how intimate he is with me, as i wouldn't take the risk of losing our friendship. He was super accepting and wished i had told him before and he said that i am probably just confused despite me reassuring him that i am not confused, obviously the next month he stopped being as intimate as he was surprised i guess, but eventually he came back stronger.
He never stopped being less intimate eventually, if anything he would ask me even more intimate questions, like jokingly asking whether i wanted to experiment, or randomly bringing up his dick being hard while we were in bed, caressing my inner thighs, biting me constantly out of nowhere lol. One time as we were talking about me being gay (we talk about it every once in a while randomly), he just got on top of me and asked if i liked being a top or bottom. Another time we were sleeping over and he just got on top of me and dry humped me, all as a joke.
We have had a conversation a few times where i tell him that this type of shit gives me mixed signals because its just like too intimate, and i get it even if we are really close it kind of just doesnt make sense especially because i am gay and i like him and he knows that.
Apart from my love for him and this whole thing, we are amazing friends he is one of the closest people to me, he knows all my family members, and so do i. I generally think we have a super healthy friendship

(Yes, this is largely a meme.)
Why don't we have Anna interacting with Anna in Engage? This is an affront to Anna-kind! Come on!
And then there's the issue of us not being able to SPEND MONEY for an Anna... which is just inexcusable.
"Take my Cash, Emblem of Sales!"
Statline: Dex (major), Mag/Luck (minor)
Engage Skill: Bag Attack: Spend 500G to attack at current range based on Strength, without allowing a counter-attack or follow-up attacks, ending your turn. The Might is the same as your currently-equipped weapon. (You get to attack again normally.)

• Dragons get +1 range.
  
• Coverts get +2 range both ways (Archers get to use this at 1 range, for example).
  
• Mysticals get a 20% discount.
  
• Backups get +5 Mt.
  

Engage Attack: Secret Strike (or Fortune's Favor, not sure yet): Attack once with a Sword, Lance, Axe, or Bow, with a 100% chance to Crit. If the foe is holding anything lootable (green), it is stolen and given to the user.

• Dragons get 5 true damage added to it before the crit (effectively +15 damage).
  
• Coverts may also use Knives.
  
• Mysticals may also use Tomes for this.
  
• Qi Adepts may also use Fists for this.
  

(Not sure what the Engage+ should be, or with whom.)
Engage Weapons:

• Spear (reference to her weapon as a boss in Awakening, and in Heroes): 1-2 range Lance.
  
• Hoistflamme (reference to her boyfriend Jake, a Ballistician): Special Mage Cannon shot that has 3-10 range and deals magical fire damage.
  
• Anna's Bow (her personal weapon in Fates): 2-range Bow with an extremely-high Hit Rate. Provides +5 Luck.
  

Inheritable Skills:

• Stats: Dex/Luck
  
• Fighting Style: Knife Foresight: When facing a foe equipped with a Knife, unit gains +5/+10/+15/+20/+25 Avoid.
  
• Lv. 3: Bypass (Sync): Use to move to the other side of an adjacent foe, and then attack someone other than that foe in any direction. (Reference to her learning Pass in Three Houses)
  
• Lv. 8/18: Satisfaction/Satisfaction+ (Sync): Whenever the unit defeats an enemy, they recover 5/7 of their lost HP. Coverts get +7 Crit & Avoid for 1 turn from each win, Qi Adepts get +10 Avoid for 1 turn, Dragons get +2 Atk for 1 turn, Armoreds get +2 Def & Res for 1 turn.
  
• Lv. 13: Mov+1 (Sync): Grants Movement +1. (Reference to her personal Awakening/Fates skill)
  

(I would have included Lucky Seven somewhere, but who wants to be rushed to finish things by Turn 7?)
Proficiencies: Bow, Staff, Lance

Game is 5/5, 8 handed, sometimes straddled to 10 or 15. Stand up game is on, loser pays everyone 40. Players are deep. Splashy, friendly home game vibe.
Hero with around 3600 picked up AKo in the 15 straddle. The other 2 players in the hand both had around 4000.
A few limpers, CO raised to 100. SB 3b to 300.
Hero?? Consider we are so deep, is it ever ok to just cold call the 3b? If I flat, I expect CO to come along for the most part. I’m in the middle so if I don’t hit flop, there’s no way to continue. If CO raise again, life is miserable.
I ended up 4b to 750. CO took about 30 seconds and called the 750. And then SB shoved his remaining stack rather quickly.
At this spot I think it’s just a non decision for me. Can’t do anything but fold. Co flatting range is uncapped. SB’s line is mega strong. I’m at best flipping which is still quite unlikely.
Co ended up folding QQ. SB showed his AK and took down a nice 1500 preflop. SB said he went with his read that one of us has a big pair and the other has AK or AQ, and he blocks AA and KK.
But to me this play looks a bit punty. Either of us can easily have AA or KK given the action. Even though we do straddles sometimes, most of us still treat it like a 5/5 game. Putting in so many blinds with AK doesn’t seem so good to me.
Any opinions? Should I have flat AK given we are so deep? Is it an overplay just happened to work out? Is QQ a standard fold given the spot?

24F, consider myself fit and healthy, run every weekday and do weights every other day.
But something that's plagued me in big and small ways my whole life is HORRIBLE physical coordination. I'm less concerned and more curious: has anyone else had this?
Pretty sure I'm not dyspraxic, as I'm multilingual and don't struggle learning languages (I did Linguistics at uni and love language study still).
But all my physical development stages were very delayed. I was old enough at the time to remember not being able to walk at around 2-3yo, instead hauling myself up with furniture and being stuck unless I dragged myself across the floor with my hands.
I ran slowly, didn't stand right and needed corrective shoes, read constantly but took ages to write, couldn't hold my pen the way everyone else did (still can't), took years to figure out hobbies like knitting and didn't learn to tie laces until I was an adult - and I STILL do it weirdly, in my own way.
To this day, things like simple clips and knots take me ages to figure out. I suddenly become stupid when faced with a physical or dexterity challenge.
Just idly wondering if any of you relate. Have a good day - oh and take this as your sign to remember to drink water!

I saw an escort a while back and every position was consensual. I heard about escorts a while back and I thought "Well, I'm paying a girl to have sex, it's willing, and I want to lose my virginity". I didnt think it was a big deal, but I couldn't get hard after a handjob and I don't remember if I asked if we can fuck or if she did, but we did it in 3 positions and I was soft the entire session basically. I feel as if I had raped her because I saw she was uncomfortable or not into it.(Which btw, is being uncomfortable during sex like in pain or discomfort or is their more to it?)and I kept going because I was trying to get hard the more we fucked. It sounds embarrassing to fuck someone with a flaccid soft penis while trying to get hard and NOT getting hard after 3 positions. You can imagine how awkward that is. She never said no, but the only time she rejected any advances was when she was giving me oral and i put my hand on her head and she brushed it away and i accepted. But I asked her 2 months later I asked her if I made her uncomfortable and she said no and wanted to save my number. Then 3 months later I asked her if raped her and she said no and sounded upset. I continued to text her after asking if I was OK and I was free to move on because I didn't understand her last 2 text messages. I ended up blowing up her phone and she didn't respond and I feel bad.
My main thing is: Am I rapist since I kept going and I saw she wasnt into it(But what if she was uncomfortable during the time and I wished I had acknowledged that but it seemed like I didn't care at the time but I was trying to focus on getting a boner and it was also my first time and I was a virgin, so I was enjoying it(For some reason, even though I was having embarrassing sex).
Also: Could she use this as evidence in the future to prove I'm admitting something and basically in the end, could she send me to jail?

Assalamuaykom warahmatu Allah dear brothers and sisters,
I'm writing this post because I would like to recieve guidance on how to take matters from this time on in my endeavor for marriage. I will give you guys a little bit of background information so you can understand my situation.
2 years prior to know or this year I was working (I am still now btw) in a supermarket as a cashier. I got to meet a muslim sister and as time went ahead we had the opportunity to work together and get to know each other a little bit more. I was not really thinking much about it. But one day I finished working for the day and as I was about to leave she told me before I go home she wanted to tell me something. It was all in a public and a professional setting, so Allhamdulillah no haram or awkwardness involved. As we exchanged words we told each other what we were studying at school.
As I was leaving she gave me her instagram, because she wanted to give me the school discord channel for computer science because she had a friend of hers that was studying computer science too and thought it could be of a helfull resource for me.
I found it very bizzare that she would give that to me out of the blue, not something that I was excpecting, I worked with other msulim sisters at that suermarket and never something happened like this. Nonethless this really threw off track because knowing myself that I am a very introverted guy. Anyways we just continued talking to each other at work casually and sometimes when we stumbled upon each other at school (we were studying at the same campus at that time). Anyways when summer came and exams were finished I had developed a sense of attraction to her. That was also the time where we started talking less and less to each other, partly because I was getting nervous when seeing her (I am an introverted guy and she is very extroverted and sociable). Anyways that attraction was really starting to get problematic because I could not get her out of my mind. So for that I avoided talking to her at any cost just to protect my chastity and to respect her boundaries. So what I did is I unfollowed her on instagram and deleted my instagram.
The year after that summer I got to know an islamic student association that I joined that year too. By chance I discovered that she was part of it too. Because of the feelings that I developed, we never talked to each other that year as I felt that we did not talk to each other in that whole it would feel very wierd to just casually walk up to her and start talking. That's why I started getting myself ready to just manup and propose to ask for her hand in marriage.
As of this year she changed campus and ended her ties (on good terms) with the ties student association, that means that our contact is offcially also cut. Out of fear to live with that regret of not attempting to ask for her hand I decided to get advice this summer Insh Allah about how to approach her in a respucful way and not unexpected.
In my situation the only connection I do have in common with her Is another muslim sister friend of her that I used to work with together which we still have a very amicable tie with. I don't know any o her brothers or father: we do have friends in common, but that's the road that I want to take the least to keep it very private and humble.
How would you guys advice me to approach her for this matter the best way that will not freak her out and for me also to come over as a respectable young man?
Baraka Allahu feekom in advance for your advice.

Thank you very much in advance.
At the crossroads of shattered dreams and whispered promises, Iria, the fabled port city, stood as a testament to the bittersweet allure of freedom. Like the thorny embrace of a briar, its streets intertwined with the hopes and sorrows of generations. It was here, amidst the misty twilight that caressed the cobblestones, that the Briar Thorn Tavern emerged from the depths of history, a sanctuary for weary souls seeking solace from the burdens of existence. Within its timeworn walls, the essence of Iria's foundation permeated the air, as if the tavern itself carried the weight of the city's destiny.
The Briar Thorn was more than a mere tavern—it was a haven, a hearth that welcomed the downtrodden, the restless, and the lost. Its aged beams, polished by countless hands, exuded the warmth of an ancestral embrace. The whispers of ancient tales echoed in every nook and cranny, intertwining with the hushed murmurs of patrons seeking refuge from the tempestuous world outside. Here, adventurers found respite, their journeys converging in a symphony of shared experiences.
Deep beneath the streets of Iria, a labyrinthine network of tunnels and caverns whispered secrets of a forgotten past. Legends spoke of the Nords, who sculpted these subterranean realms with a mystical glow that once illuminated the city above. Whispers carried the stories of Gillikristr, the visionary founder of Iria, whose sacrifice quelled the unearthly power that threatened to consume the city. Within this hidden realm, the House of the Red Grave stood as a poignant reminder of the struggle for emancipation. Weathered gravestones, adorned with intricate carvings, paid homage to the Caledonian and Iournenain slaves who dared to defy their chains.
As the doors of the Briar Thorn swung open, a kaleidoscope of sensations flooded the senses. Thorny roses, reminiscent of the House of the Red Grave, adorned the tavern, their crimson petals an homage to the sacrifices made for freedom. Within, the cavernous chamber unfolded like an amphitheater, its tiers of benches teeming with anticipation. Laughter mingled with the resonant notes of musicians, filling the air with a vibrant symphony of revelry.
In this enchanted realm, patrons embarked on a journey beyond the boundaries of mundane existence. The Briar Thorn embraced them, weaving their stories into the tapestry of Iria's ever-evolving narrative. It was a place where the past danced with the present, where the weight of the world momentarily lifted, and where the echoes of forgotten heroes found solace in the hearts of the living.
Adorned in her finest party attire, Isabel navigated the bustling crowd, fiery curls flowing like molten copper, half pinned up and half dancing freely in the wind. Her lute accompanied her, while she, a half-dwarf, wore a unique half-leather, half-silk bodice dress in eggshell white-yellow, adorned with red trim. A wide belt cinched her waist, with a well-maintained sword hanging at her hip. With ethereal grace, she weaved through the throng until finding solace in a quiet corner of the lively pub, fixated on an intricately engraved ledger.
Dust motes mingled with the blue-white illumination of the lamppost, as the pub owner's middle daughter opened the book and studied its contents. Her green eyes fixated on precise rows of figures. A faint murmur escaped her lips, a silent conversation with the ghosts of numbers.
Her mischievous grin curved upon porcelain features, reflecting the intrigue that stirred within her. With a single finger, she traced a curving figure on her account, a sly grin curling into an incredulous smile. The past month had been exceptional, favored patrons generously bestowing their coins. A mysterious benefactor, surely taking notice.
'Och gods...the ink's bleedin' through,' Isabel thought to herself. The accounts, usually orderly and precise, now seemed to mirror the joyful chaos surrounding her.
'Guess I'd best get this in order before folk start gettin' drunk an' cause too much a' ruckus...'
After nearly several minutes of writing she leaned back in her chair, stretched, and yawned hard. Her weary green eyes glanced over the darkening floor of the inn, and she raised a hand to rub at her jaw. She tried her her best to avoid the calls of the raucous crowd in favor of getting the ledgers out of the way.
It was to no avail. The strain of the work clearly taking its toll, she let out a determined sig and closed the ledger, setting it aside with the intention to revisit it.
Isabel's gaze shifted from the ledger book to the adorned walls. Festive decorations filled every corner, transforming the tavern into a celebration itself. The tantalizing aromas from the kitchen hinted at delightful treats prepared with extra care, each dish a tribute to the upcoming revelry. Amidst the lively crowd, vibrant decorations, and alluring scents, Isabel felt a sense of purpose and excitement. It was clear that a grand festival was approaching, and she was determined to create unforgettable memories for the attendees.
With a resigned sigh, Isabel straightened herself, her red stilettos scraping the stone floor as she prepared for her tavern rounds. Her green eyes sparkled with determination as she surveyed The Briar Thorn's lively atmosphere. Adjusting her party outfit, she ensured every detail was perfect. This was her moment to shine, to captivate the hearts of those gathered. Stepping forward as the tavern doors swung open, she embraced the spirited celebration that awaited her and the people of Iria.
"Guid evenin' tae ye all! Ye're lookin' bonnie, ye are. Micht I tempt ye wi' a warmin' ale or a cool stout? Or maybe a cider? We've a special brew fer ye tonight. Our cider's been aged in dragon fire-hardened casks."
In the midst of the vibrant tavern, all eyes converged on the resplendent figure that graced the stage of the Briar Thorn. A flame-haired maiden, adorned with an intricate tapestry of freckles, commanded attention with each movement, a testament to her practiced grace and unyielding confidence. The air crackled with anticipation as the bard's emerald eyes met those of her audience, mischief sparkling within their depths. With a playful wink, she set off a chorus of hearty laughter, an orchestration of mirth resonating through the space.
Among the sea of eager faces, a burly man, boasting a thick black beard and wielding an imposing war hammer, raised a hand, his voice booming above the fray. "I'll take two."
Suppressing a contagious burst of laughter, Isabel delicately clasped a hand over her lips, a radiant smile illuminating her features. "Two ciders, then, comin' up," she responded with a melodious lilt.
Unyielding in their desire for libations, another voice chimed in, belonging to a stern-looking woman whose scowl mirrored the sharpness of the war axe slung across her back. Leaning forward in her chair, she waved her hand, demanding attention. "We'll take two as well."
The large man, undeterred by the rising clamor, added his voice to the mix. "Three, then. And a pitcher of your best stout, if you would be so kind."
Amidst the boisterous revelry, the tavern erupted in a chorus of laughter, cascading like a waterfall of mirth. Isabel, ever the enchantress of the stage, acknowledged the uproar with a graceful bow at the waist, her every movement a testament to her showmanship. "Of course. I'll tend to that in a moment," she assured, a playful wink accentuating her words. "Now, as I was sayin', I'll get yer orders in a minute."
A burly man, his eyes twinkling with mischievous delight, directed his attention toward Isabel, a crooked smile gracing his lips as he ran a hand through his bushy beard. A war hammer nonchalantly slung over his shoulder and a massive war axe tucked in his belt added to his formidable presence. "Hey Izzie, yer gonna be performing tonight? Or do I need tae bless the dancers again?"
In response, Isabel's laughter danced through the air, a joyous melody in harmony with the crackling firelight. "Nah, I'm performin' tonight. Though ye might have tae beat my record," she teased, her voice laced with a playful challenge. A sly wink directed at her brother punctuated her words. "I think I might set a new one."
The burly man's eyes widened, their dark depths shimmering with excitement. "Aye? That's impressive! That's better than our last record. Did ye hear about that?"
Isabel's curiosity piqued, her emerald eyes narrowing as she shielded them from the flickering firelight, sweeping the room in search of answers. "No, I dinnae," she replied, her voice filled with anticipation. "Who was it?"
With a conspiratorial lean forward, the man shared his knowledge in a hushed tone, as if guarding a precious secret. "Our new patron. We're to be blessed by him tonight. We've a few others too, but the lads were talking about him earlier."
A spark of excitement ignited within Isabel, her voice taking on a hushed tone to match the weight of the revelation. "A patron? That's wonderful! Who is he? Does he have a name?"
Isabel's vibrant emerald eyes widened with eager anticipation as the burly man confirmed the identity of the mysterious patron.
A man with hazel eyes, clad in an intricately embroidered jacket and pants of fine silk, strode confidently toward the stage. The crimson-lacquered armor that adorned his form seemed to shimmer in the light, like the ruby at the end of a rosebud. A regal demeanor seemed to permeate every gesture as he surveyed the crowd, his posture betraying the confidence of his stature. With an easy grace, he settled on a chair, his eyes locking with those of Isabel's. A smile played on his lips as he motioned for her to join him, a clear command in his demeanor.
A wide smile stretched across her face, illuminating her freckled visage. "He's a bard like me?" she exclaimed, her voice laced with excitement. "I cannae wait!"
With a quizzical expression, the man raised an eyebrow, leaning in closer to share a whispered revelation. "Not exactly," he revealed, his tone tinged with intrigue. "He's quite different. I don't think you'll see many of his kind at The Briar Thorn, if you know what I mean."
Isabel nodded, her curiosity now piqued, her mind conjuring visions of the enigmatic newcomer. "I do. I've been told they're rare," she confided, a soft giggle escaping her lips. "I wonder what he looks like? I hope he's not one a' them."
In response, the man chuckled, his cheeks flushing as he met her infectious smile. "I doubt it. He should be back in a few. Left his ledger with Gerik."
The mention of the ledger prompted Isabel to stifle another burst of laughter, her hand pressed against her mouth. "Och, that was his? I was in there earlier, and it's a mess," she admitted, a mischievous glimmer in her eyes.
The man's face contorted into a perplexed grimace, his confusion evident. "Aye? You looked like it was all in order." He shook his head, puzzled. "Weird. Guess he's just new... though that doesn't explain why he speaks so... peculiarly. Claims he's from Draigfell, yet he talks like he's from a different continent."
Isabel chuckled, her voice laced with amusement. "He's from the north. Maybe he's more... formal? Aye, that sounds like it," she pondered, her eyes distant as she mulled over the possibilities.
The man shrugged, leaning back in his chair, his tone one of indifference. "Aye, that makes sense." He raised his hand and signaled to a busty lass who was weaving through the crowd toward the bar.
Eyes glued to the mysterious patron, intrigued, Isabel leaned forward with her curiosity eager to unveil the mysteries surrounding the enigmatic Micah. "Aye? What does he say?" she inquired, her tone infused with genuine interest.
With a bemused shrug, the man struggled to articulate his observations. "Ah... nothing much. Just strange," he confessed, his voice laced with a mixture of intrigue and perplexity. "Maybe he's just not used to taverns."
The burly man, his eyes glimmering with excitement, clasped Isabel's shoulder and pulled her into a warm embrace. "He's coming back here later tae join us. Maybe ye can find out why this Micah fellow left us so much gold. You'll have tae tell me later."
A smile blossomed across Isabel's features as she leaned forward and hugged her brother tightly. "I will," she promised, her eyes twinkling with joy. "But I cannae tell ye why ye're getting so much coin."
"We'll figure it out, ye'll see. Ye better get ready to perform," he insisted. "An' get that ledger in order."
Isabel nodded and turned toward the kitchen, her steps sure and graceful. "Aye, I will," she assured. "I'll be back with yer drinks soon."
With a parting smile, Isabel gracefully glided toward the kitchen, her freckled face glowing in the flickering light. The tapestry of laughter and merrymaking resonated within her as she emerged, ready to fulfill her promise of delivering three orders. The Briar Thorn Tavern thrived with the boisterous banter of adventurers, their stories and camaraderie filling every nook. Amidst the lively crowd, Isabel weaved her way, greeted by a raising mug and reciprocating with a mischievous wink. Laughter harmonized with the crackling firelight, but her focus remained on the enigmatic patron.
After deftly fulfilling the orders and sating the thirst of eager patrons, Isabel embarked on a purposeful journey toward the table where the enigmatic Micah sat. A flicker of anticipation ignited within her, a fire stoked by the allure of the unknown. Every step she took exuded a captivating showmanship, a ballet of grace and poise. As her emerald eyes met his hazel gaze, a current of intrigue surged through her veins, ensnaring her curiosity in its enigmatic grasp.
Approaching with measured elegance, Isabel bestowed upon him a subtle bow, a testament to her refined demeanor practiced countless times. Her movements, like a finely choreographed dance, exuded an air of cultivated grace. The sweep of her arm and the dip of her head were executed with precise control, each gesture crafted to convey both respect and a hint of playful intrigue. It was a performance perfected through countless repetitions, a display of practiced finesse that now played out before Micah's watchful gaze.
"It's good to see ye're 'ere," said Micah, his tone measured and confident, his Draig accent adding a sing-song lilt to his words. His hazel eyes glimmered with intrigue as he studied her, a curious smile gracing his features. "I see Gerik raised 'is children well. 'ow are ye feelin'?"
Isabel's eyes narrowed as she scrutinized his face, studying him as if she were peering into the depths of his soul. Her demeanor remained composed as she regarded the enigmatic Micah. "I'm fine. We've been talkin' about ye," she admitted as she twirled a lock of hair between her fingers.
Micah nodded, his posture betraying his composure. "I'm sure ye have," he said.
'Ah dinnae know ye," Isabelle asked, twirling a lock of hair between her fingers. "Do ye want me tae get ye somethin' tae eat?"
"I'm fine," Micah said, as he brushed off the concern with a casual flick of his hand, his grin spreading like sunlight on a dew-kissed meadow. The charm in his words danced with the musicality of a whispered melody, ensnaring Isabel's attention further into his web. "I'm Micah, a fa'miliar face 'at 'as graced these walls fer twenty-five years. The bonds o' friendship 'ave woven through the tapestry o' time, connectin' yer family and mine in a shared 'istory."
"So ye're a bard, like me," Isabel exclaimed, her eyes dancing with excitement and anticipation. "I've heard rumors of yer arrival at the tavern. Tell me, what 'appened tae yer band? Where have they gone?"
"I'm the last o' me band," Micah admitted, a tinge of melancholy seeping into his voice as he reminisced about his companions. "They were swept away by a tempest, lost to the unforgiving storm. I miss them dearly. They still visit me in dreams," he confided, a solitary tear glistening in his expressive eye.
Isabel's voice resonated with warmth and empathy as she extended her condolences. "I'm truly sorry tae hear o' yer loss," she offered sincerely. "Ye dinnae speak much 'bout yerself, but I'm eager tae know ye better. How 'bout we share a meal together? We can talk and ye can share yer story."
"That would be delightful," Micah replied, his countenance softening as he bestowed her with a genuine smile. "I would enjoy that greatly."
A genuine smile graced Isabel's freckled visage, brimming with delight. "Wonderful! I'll fetch ye a meal," she promised, her voice tinged with enthusiasm. "What tickles yer fancy?"
"Anything will suffice," Micah responded, his tone imbued with sincere interest. "I have the coin. I'll be waitin' 'ere for ye."
Isabel's smile blossomed as she nodded in agreement, his genuine tone assuring her of his welcome. She directed her attention towards the bustling kitchen, her mind ablaze with thoughts of crafting a delectable menu for her newfound companion. The tantalizing scent of freshly prepared cuisine mingled with the symphony of clinking pots and pans, captivating Isabel's senses.
'I reckon a savory meat pie or a plate of spiced vegetables would be to his likin'. I don't think he's fond of overly spicy fare.'
Isabel's imagination swirled with culinary possibilities as she surveyed the kitchen, her eyes darting between the diligent kitchen staff and the array of tantalizing ingredients. Contemplating her options, hands confidently resting on her hips, she made her way towards the bustling heart of the kitchen, her gaze lingering on the savory treasures at hand.
After careful consideration, Isabel selected the perfect meal that would both cater to Micah's palate and ignite his taste buds with delight. A sly smile played upon her lips as she emerged from the kitchen, carrying a plate brimming with culinary delights. The aroma of the freshly prepared feast permeated the air, adding to the festive ambiance of the tavern.
With a warm smile gracing her features, Isabel approached Micah, the alluring scent of the food enveloping them. "Here ye are!" she exclaimed, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. "I've got somethin' special for ye. Ye're bound tae love it."
"I have no doubt," Micah assured her, his curiosity piqued as he returned her smile. "Thank ye kindly."
Placing the plate before him, Isabel gestured towards the enticing dish, her eyes shimmering with excitement. "Go on now! Give it a try!" she encouraged eagerly. "It's one o' the tavern's finest specialties."
As his gaze fixated upon the presented meal, Micah's eyes widened in pleasant surprise. "A fine choice," he acknowledged, curiosity lacing his words. "Though dinnae ye 'ave a performance soon? Shouldn't ye be preparin'?"
"I shall," Isabel urged with a playful glimmer in her eyes. "Just try it."
With a glint of mischief in his eyes, Micah nodded, his fingers gently tracing the contours of the freshly baked crust as he studied the meal before him. "Aye, I will," he assured, his brogue adding a touch of charm. "I'm sure it'll be a feast for the senses."
Isabel's fiery waves of hair, tamed and cascading down her back, framed her face with a wild elegance. She slipped into her performance costume, the fabric embracing her like a second skin, its deep green hue accentuating her curves. The subtle reveal of skin hinted at a hidden sensuality, while the golden cuff, shaped like a wolf's mouth, added an enchanting touch. She could almost feel the spirit of Caledonia whispering through the intricate design, igniting her spirit.
A knock on the dressing room door interrupted her reverie, and the voice of Archie, the stage director, filtered through. "Isabel, are ye ready? The stage awaits."
She turned toward the door, a radiant smile illuminating her face. "Almost there, Archie. Just a few finishing touches."
Stepping out of the dressing room, Isabel found Archiewaiting, his eyes widening with awe at her transformation. His voice softened, filled with admiration. "Isabel, ye look absolutely stunning. The crowd won't ken what hit them."
Isabel's laughter danced through the air, her voice carrying a mixture of excitement and determination. "Thank ye, Archie. But it's not just about the looks. Tonight, I'll weave a tale that'll stir their hearts, ignite their spirits, and leave them yearning for more. Tonight, Caledonia will come alive on this very stage."
Archie, resonating in her words, nodded, his eyes reflecting a profound understanding of her power. "I have nae doubt, Isabel. Ye possess a gift—a voice that carries the stories of our land, the dreams of our people. They'll be captivated, enchanted by yer every note."
Isabel took a final deep breath, feeling the energy of the night pulsating through her veins.
"Together, Archie," Isabel whispered, her voice filled with determination. "Tonight, we'll create magic."
And with that, they stepped into the hallway, the sounds of anticipation and muffled conversation filling the air. The stage awaited, the audience yearned, and Isabel was ready to cast her spell, leaving an indelible mark on the hearts of those who would join her in this symphony of life.
The curtains drew back, revealing the expectant faces of the crowd, their eyes alight with anticipation. Isabel took her place at the center of the stage, her gaze sweeping across the sea of faces, her voice a velvety caress that cut through the silence.
"Listen closely, mah friends," she began, her voice filled with a tantalizing blend of mystery and longing, her Scottish lilt enchanting every syllable. "For tonight, I shall unveil the hidden melodies that reside within the soul of Iria. Tonight, we embark on a journey of love and loss, triumph and despair. Let yer hearts be swept away by the stories that dance upon the threads of our existence."
And so it began. The tavern exploded with applause as Isabel gracefully stepped to the side of the stage, beckoning to her audience as she sang the opening verse of the ballad. All fell silent as the rain battered the cobblestones outside, protecting the warmth of the firelight.

Been in this field for almost two years now. In this short amount of time, I've witnessed a "phenomenon" among my peers, as well as among friends who work in IT. So, as a certified self-taught junior developer who studied social sciences in college, I propose a sociological hypothesis:
Certain individuals or groups, when acquiring knowledge or skills in a specific domain, are more prone to rapidly develop overconfidence and exhibit niche superiority, subsequently forgetting the challenges and uncertainties they faced during their initial learning stages. This phenomenon is influenced by a combination of psychological factors, social dynamics, and cognitive biases.
When you're a junior at a new job, or maybe a wholly new field, it does feel overwhelming at times. There is quite a steep learning curve, there's the doubt, there's new people, and most importantly for this essay, there is frustration. But not frustration with code ^{which is a totally legit frustration btw}, frustration with your tasks as an employee. And even more specifically, frustration with the wording, the concepts, the explanation given to you. To quote M. Foucault: "You don't understand shit and it's because knowledge is shaped by power relations"
Which brings us to the importance of mentors. ^{Shoutout to any mentors reading this, be easy on your juniors}. Before diving into the exciting overview of mentorships as tools of corporate indoctrination on the following 35 pages, I shall again propose another sociologial hypothesis:
In the context of mentorship, the presence of bad mentors who teach juniors in an inefficient manner can lead to the reproduction of ineffective teaching practices among future mentors. This phenomenon is perpetuated through socialization processes, cognitive biases, and structural constraints, resulting in a cycle of ineffective mentorship.
If I had to describe the process to a programmer, it would look similar to this, whatever this is:

while(true) { receiveKnowledge() receiveBehaviour() impartKnowledge() impartBehaviour() } 

It's like a square. But without the edges.
To take a break from the theory, geometrical and sociological, and to better illustrate the points made thus far, I have conducted interviews with exactly n=420 people. Their stories are presented below, starting with Emma, 20:

When I joined this f *** ing IT company as a backend developer, they paired me up with a useless motherf *** ing mentor who couldn't explain a damn thing in a way that made any f *** ing sense to me. It was frustrating as f ********** ck, like trying to decipher a f *** ing secret code while getting kicked in the v * g. Every time I asked for help, all I got was a bunch vague bulls ** t so I just stopped trying, you know? It actually made me question if the c *** sucker conducting this interview knows how to match their own f *** ing socks, let alone match mentors with juniors.

Not only is the frustration evident with Ms. Emma, who is still suffering under the same mentor, she's also ^very rude, thus no wonder that her coworker Natalie, who is still angry about not being invited to Emma's barbecue, forced me to include her counter point:

Juniors, might I add, deserve their abuse at the hands of smarter, cooler mentors.

For the purposes of this dissertation I had to shorten the Emma - Natalie drama to three pages, however the whole audio log will be available on Netflix this summer in the form of a reality show.
But where does this lead us? We have the bad mentors, who are not understood by the people they're mentoring. The juniors internalize not just the sparse knowledge gained, but the behavioral elements as well. We have those juniors then reproducing the knowledge in the same way they received it - incomprehensible and stubbornly confident. Here we get examples of juniors saying things like:

(* snarky tone *) Who even uses Google anymore?
OMG {insert_linux_os} is for noobs
Just add the absolute path to the xml with the IP of the third server behind the second Oak tree, obviously. What do you mean obviously, which f *** ing forest are we talking about? Check the docs, maybe?! You didn't make any f **** ing docs, Natalie! Well maybe I WOULD IF I FELT INCLUDED!

Which brings us to the conclusion: In order to liberate ourselves from the constraints of this rigid and unproductive dynamic, the perpetual cycle^oh! of bad mentorship spawning new offspring imitating their practices and their high horses, we need to challenge the structural factors that perpetuate such a stagnant mentorship arrangement. By interrogating the power dynamics, hierarchies, and systemic barriers within the organizational framework, we can begin to envision alternative models that foster genuine learning, effective communication, and mutual support.

I went for my evening walk that I make - alas - too rarely. There is a hill just near my home, and all I have to do is to walk some 100 M on the main road, then take a path through the houses, but with no buildings facing it, cross an intersection with some residential streets and climb. I just pass by two more houses, then I am outside the village. Some people passed by me on the road, but they were driving, and I think they didn't notice that I was barefoot. When I was on the hill, although, I saw a couple with a dog coming in my direction and I turned into the path that goes upwards. I would have done it anyway, because it was my direction, and I didn't change my speed. I arrived on the top, where there is a statue of the Holy Virgin, and I stayed there some minutes. I could hear the dog bark and I asked myself whether the couple would come up and meet me, or not. They didn't.
I know I was long, but I wanted to focus on the main subject. On one hand I would be glad to meet people, and maybe talk with them, knowing that my bare feet would probably be a subject of conversation; but, on the other hand, I am quite shy and I fear that other people would find me "strange".
What is your experience about that? I am much less shy than one or two years ago, I have spoken with some people about my love for being barefoot, but I still have many doubts in my head.
Thank you for your answers! 🙂

(Warning: in this post, I will talk about tumors and it's consequences on my cat's life)
He has a bone tumor in his skull which impact everything(eye, nose, teeth) on the left side of his head.
It cannot be treated, he is dying.
He cannot even eat without hurting, his teeth keep moving whenever he eats, he has horrible spasms because of it. Giving him his medication is also very hard for the same reasons.
I know I will have to put him down soon, but I can't bring myself to call the vet.
After all; he still looks energetic, he runs to me when he hears me preparing his food, he try to hunt when I show him bird videos, he sleep peacefully under sunny spots.
Whenever I see him in these situations I tell myself that I can't put him down now! That he is still fine!
But then his face start hurting and he is in so much pain he starts making horrible noises and I end up thinking that this can't go on.
I truly am at loss on what to do, on one hands it feels like putting him down now is too early, but if I continue waiting he is going to be hurting so much, I feel like I will regret not putting him down earlier.
He has been with me my entire life, he is my best friend, I do not want to lose him but I do not want to see him in pain either.
I don't know what to do anymore

I have always been an overly independent martyr. In middle school and high school, when things started to get out of hand and I had my first panic attack, I began to stop myself from feeling anxious, and feeling much of anything anything for that matter. I subconsciously developed Alexithymia as a solution to my anxiety, but unbeknownst to me, it slowly grew over time and began to fight back.
When I entered college, I started having constant soreness, phantom ringing, low energy, and irritability and frequent headaches. My already shaky self-esteem plummeted as my academic performance dropped from straight A’s to C’s get degrees, and I began to hate school, thinking it was just too hard for me regardless of how hard I tried. I started skipping classes and assignments in favor of clubs, which I knew I could succeed in. I began to develop lots of confusing physical symptoms that mimicked ADHD/SPD/ADHD/BPD/Sociopathy/etc. I got an internship at a top company, but struggled massively with imposter syndrome and constantly thought that I was self-sabotaging and should be doing more. My best was never enough. People looked at me and said, “Wow! She’s so successful. I’m jealous. She can deal with such stressful and work, and remain completely calm and unaffected” even though I could barely convince myself to get up in the morning or focus enough to do the work I needed to keep my job.
I slowly lost the ability to see anything as anything other than a chore—to see reality instead of some twisted concoction of my anxiety. I started having frequent violent ruminations. I spent a year with health anxiety-like symptoms, obsessing for over 4 hours a day that there was something wrong with me, but being too scared of telling anyone. I switched into a vastly easier major, but continued to struggle academically. I created a 40 page document detailing everything bad about myself and I worshipped it whilst simultaneously feeling deeply ashamed.
It got worse. People started to regularly ask me if I was okay with pitiful eyes as cracks became visible and large enough to see through my shiny achievements and grand performances. I tried harder to keep it all inside with a smile. This is just my normal—the brain fog, the numbness, the constant self-doubt, the emotional dysregulation, the continual performance of I’m fine, the nightmares, the racing heart and thoughts, the avoidance, the constant feelings of overwhelm and of doom—it had been intensifying and compounding slowly for the past 10 years, so despite being extremely self-aware, I was quite certain that it was normal. I had essentially gave up on myself and my potential. I eventually stopped being able to find the motivation to eat. I couldn’t do anything productive. My brain stopped processing new information in favor of being numb. I stopped living in favor of near constant dissociation and escapism.
And then one day I just snapped. I broke down physically and emotionally. I had a meltdown, and I became a complete wreck. I wrote a four-page document about how I was broken that now makes me really upset to read. I went to my support system begging for help because I couldn’t handle it on my own any longer. I was afraid of myself and my mind.
After a grueling 4-month diagnosis process, i almost rejected my diagnosis of GAD and low self-esteem. I didn’t think I was that stressed or anxious—I needed to have more things wrong with me. But then I reflected, and I realized that I really was not okay and I would do whatever it took to make it okay. I challenged my belief that I knew more than the people who diagnosed me and I was willing to try. It took a lot of work and initiative on my end, but I’m relieved to say that I am in a better place mentally, and I’m already beginning to figure out strategies for recognizing and coping with my symptoms. In fact, today, I had some major milestones—I remembered to take out the trash and check my mailbox at the right times without having to check my todo list, and I did them as soon as I thought about them. I even managed to say and believe my daily affirmations without crying 😂 .
I am incredibly smart. I am strong and capable. I can do anything I set my mind to do. I am more than enough for everyone else. I am proud of myself.
Am I still anxious all the time? Oh, absolutely. The more I try to actively unravel and not restrict my true thoughts and opinions, the more I realize how anxious I actually am. Am I still in an almost constant state of fatigue and brain fog? Yup. Do I still spend a lot of time thinking about thinking and get racing thoughts and ruminations? Yeah, those are still there. Do I still get heart palpitations when I’m about to do almost anything? Heck yes. Has the near constant pit in my stomach at least gone away? Nope. Is it gonna be a long time and a lot of work before I can truly feel good again? No duh! But you know what? It’s okay.
For the first time, in what seems like forever, I’m also filled with happiness and hope. I can feel my heartbeat, but it’s determined instead of stressed and restless. I can feel a sensation in my chest, but it’s a slight warmth—a shallow resting happiness to replace the classic hollow pit. It might not always be there, but it’s still progress.
TL;DR: Life is hard. It’s okay to struggle—do your best to hang in there and fight back. Best of luck to everyone on their journeys.

You were always there, floating just beneath my skin. I remember a scene from class 9th and one from my PG college days. I was in class 9th. Nothing had happened. My mother screamed at me. She always screamed. But this time I couldn't hold it in and I told her with choked voice. "You talk to me harshly ( or something on the same lines). She screamed again at me. My mother never talked. She yelled. She screamed. Her voice was always shrill, full of hatred. I was 21 and at friend's house getting ready for a freshers party. She was standing in the middle of the room surrounded by her family members. Her sister was finding the right jewelry for her. He younger sibling was adjusting her dress. Her mother was in kitchen making something for her. I was standing at the side, quite deliberately and looking at them with hungry eyes. Part of me was watching them and wishing if anything like that could happen to me. I was always left alone while dressing up at home. My mother and my younger sibling would get ready together, giving each other feedbacks and I would always be on side, combing my short hair and wishing someone would come to me and help me get ready. In both these cases I remember and many more I am yet to recall, You were 'in the living room'; the acting part. But I could never recognize you nor could muster courage to clearly elicit/understand that your need, my core need is love.
And after that, you were crumbling down till broken. Tears, Tears, Tears. I used to cry at night because I am an 'orphan', I have no one, Tears when I am talking to someone, studying, happy...Tears for no reason.
In this whole whirlpool, I couldn't identify you. And so I couldn't be with you. I have always felt your grief. But today when I realized your presence, I felt your anger. "Why did you delay so much? Why couldn't you be with me earlier? Why couldn't you be with me?" I am sorry. Your anger is justified. You have all right to be angry. Be angry. The righteous part of me wants to tell you that I am here and there is no need to be angry or crying. But that's not true.
Be angry at me. Be angry at me as long as you want, even if you want to be angry for years, so be it. You have the space. A lot of space. I am not here, I am far away so as to not disturb you. But I am listening. Your anger is not vanishing away into nothingness. It is being heard. It is being felt.
I can feel your exhaustion. I am so so sorry. I am here. We will sit together. Not for just a month. (Don't take the worker's words too literally. He has to manage work and so he moves accordingly). We will sit together. Not just for a month. Probably for a life time. And I will grow old. From a young woman to an old granny. And you will transform, from a smoky wet dripping wide grey ball to a beautiful, colorful, fresh lilly.
Warm hugs. We are together in this, whatever this is.
Time - 1:18 am Music - Fix you, coldplay Sensation - Lot of tears; By the end, I caressed my hair with my hand as I am petting her.
# Side comment - Its so good I am not doing any job. I don't think this session, this realization were possible if I were working for someone else.

Now I want to say almost...as I am still straight, but I was going out fir breakfast and I saw a man with a mustache making pancakes and then I said to him can i get the johnny cakes, he touched my hand and said darlin, we call them pound cakes around here, and as he held on to my hand, i remembered the scene with vito and the his johnny cakes, and as we stared what was only 10 seconds but felt like a eternity i also remembered vito getting a pool cue up his rectum, i quickly yet gently moved my hand away and walked out the restaurant.